The 4 Types of People Who Do Not Drink Coffee

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We all know the type.

What a time to be alive. Coffee is bigger, more accessible and higher quality than ever before. Coffee education is more freely available and the industry as a whole is taking a stand to take care of our origin sources. Yes, we truly are living in the golden age of coffee.

All that great news makes it that much stranger that there are people who are missing out on all this amazing coffee. While it breaks our heart to see so many miss out on this delicious elixir, we have taken the liberty to break down the 4 types of people who do not drink coffee. Hopefully this is insightful and gives you some ideas on how to help convert our non believing brethren. 

The Anti-Coffee Evangelist

Who they are: This person is the guy or girl who brings their completely full 64 oz Nalgene bottle with them everywhere, while wearing shoes without socks and covering their laptop with community-inspired stickers in the most ironic way possible. Frequently look for opportunities to share their disdain of coffee. Especially when you are making a coffee run for the office.
Reason for disliking coffee: The man, man. 
Favorite line: 
"Do you have any idea how great life is caffeine-free?"
How to deal with them: Take some freshly ground coffee, place into a bowl and hide underneath said person's desk and wait...Nature will take its course.

The Fear Monger

Who they are: They're the person at your office who is quick to tell you the story about their best friend's 3rd cousin who overdosed on coffee and died. If they're not speaking about the dangers of enjoying nature's best beverage they're spreading the word about how bad the coffee in the office is. 
Reason for disliking coffee: Their mom told them at a very young age that coffee was bad for them or perhaps they just had a really bad cup of coffee one time. They've been living in blissful ignorance since.
Favorite line: "My cousin, well my friends cousin dies from drinking too much coffee. I swore I'd never touch it."
How to deal with them: Inundate them with coffee articles that preach the healthy benefits of coffee. Like this article, or this one, or perhaps this one.

The Penny Pincher

Who they are: This is guy or girl at your office that buys socks from the local thrift store. Known for occasionally drinking coffee by using an already used K-Cup a second time.
Reason for disliking coffee: It's too expensive.
Favorite line: "Do you have any idea how much money you spend a year on your coffee?"
How to deal with them: Send them to We have the best coffee at the best price. No excuse not to buy!

The Slow Learner

Who they are: The person who's mind is blown by watching a person make a pot of coffee. Don't even think about breaking out a french press or pourover. These brew methods will be like showing a caveman a lighter. 
Reason for disliking coffee: Coffee is a mysterious substance from overseas that they in no way have tried to figured out how to prepare and consume.
Favorite line: "So wait...What is cofffee? How do you make coffee again?"
How to deal with them: A simple 15 minute mandatory office workshop on how to properly brew coffee should do the trick.

Non-coffee drinkers you know we're just poking fun. Besides you not drinking coffee means there is more for the rest of us.